How I started looking for myself to stop the self-savotage and created my boundaries to people

What I talk about here might be considered really intimate and vulnerable. But we are living a pandemy so I consider it’s time to start to be true for once.

Looking in highsight to my previous jobs I can tell you now all the mistakes that I made. You even might have gone through some of them too.

Imagine yourself in a situation in which unemployment is at a high level. So in the «lucky» case you get a job, you will probably be paid either in cash money or you will have to do horrible hours, split shifts and so on.

Acceptance of the situation in exchange for opportunities

What do you do? You accept the job because you need it. Your boss knows that, so from here we enter a tricky situation in which they pull the strings to see how much you can take or how long you will stay like this.

At some point you might ask for a raise, even a contract if you didn’t have one already. But some excuses arise: they might say that they have to pay a high ammount of taxes in order to get you a proper assured full time in a contract. Or they say that they would have to raise everyone’s payment to adjust it to yours. Then the situation gets awkward when you let them know that you work harder, by yourself most of the time and that you have been with them long enough to deserve it.

Nothing changes.

The abuse keeps happening until one day you explode: maybe you talk in a bad way to a manager/workmate or maybe you burn yourself out of the stress. In other words, you get tired of the sabotage they do on you as you allow it to happen.

End of learning process and limited exchange in your favour

Your early dreams of teamwork and gratefulness for the experience of learning get transformed. Now you don’t see any development happening in a positive way.

From here you can choose from different paths:

1. You stick up for yourself and quit as things don’t change for you.
2. Lazyness takes over and you end up doing as the others. You don’t care about the job and there is no intention to grow anymore. It sours your mood as it makes you unhappy.
3. You get patient and look for the perfect chance to use your skills learnt in college in order to move you to a more proper job.

I’ve done all of them and I would recommend the 1st and 3rd options. The reason is simple: self-sabotage will just get you to disastrous consequences for your Body, Mind & Spirit. This could lead to a drink / smoke / drugs habit.

How did I turn it upside down to my benefit?

When I saw that the next job was a new chance to learn and do everything I could to be a restorer I knew I was on the right path. I was evolving.

Working on site was one of my favourite experiences at the Conservation job

Which was the downside ot it? I was using the same sense of extra gratefulness for the opportunity, meaning that I’d do anything for the position (well, not entirely everything, I still have some pride).

We are creatures of Nature after all and we are meant to change and evolve. A more proper job made evolve towards a better self. A renewed routine was adquired and it allowed me to use my time at the fullest.

Commute time was an hour minimun, that’s fine when you cross Connemara National Park every day. At my return I would clear my mind and body in the gym. Then, I would prepare a nice meal for myself for the next day. This routine would get repeated for the whole week.

Not all is an easy, nice walk when we don’t check on our mental health

Was there another downside? Yes, I felt the stress, pressure, lack of sleep, and really extreme swings of mood along with a quick loose of weigh. I was supposed to feel fulfilled but I guess I wasn’t!

Due to low income of projects and work, my contract had to end after 7 months of working with such an amazing company. Then I thought about studying for a master in Conservation-Restoration. This thought was for me an organic way to continue a path that thrilled me, a path that excited me even if I had to study continuously. No pain, no gain, they say, right?

We all know what happened in 2020.

This awakening call for all of us was for me a total change of escenario. My masters wasn’t cancelled but done mostly on-line. So as I considered myself not able to study in such cicumtances, I focused on my other path. My hobby had been Art, a tool I sometimes used to balance my mood and calm my senses when things were tough. You can guess that during my toughest job experiences I created a lot.

We need certain practices to stay balanced

My intuition was always telling me to stay sane and balanced. My circumstances shaped that learning process into what it is now.

I am making up with my Art practice as a healing process that helps me cope. It is a language mechanism that can help others the same way it helps me. As we aren’t robots, we can feel the pressure when we are committing self-sabotage on ourselves. The scapism just brings more despair and negativity prevails.

So in order to fix these problems I encourage you to be creative, in any way that feels natural for you. No need to share it, as it is personal and intimate, the same way you don’t share what you talk with your therapist.

My focus is to use Art to heal yourself slowly. To help you cope with any situation, not just extreme. As a final example I will suggest you thinking of the time you were a child. What did you enjoy doing just for fun? Do gather those memories and do them with no shame. Nobody is judging you if that practice makes you self-assured and loved.

Once you care for yourself, it will be harder to harm you

The boundaries to avoid that harm will be a natural consequence of this practice. I can also tell by experience that this will happen quicker each time a challenge arises.

So go on and try! It is a slow and on-going process but what you will learn of it is that the path makes you learn more than the result. The final product might be a reminder of your process of learning but once one thing is finished, another project comes.

You are a precious object that evolves and learn for your best end

Learn and evolve everyday. Follow the natural cycle of life 

I hope that this post helps you. I can’t wait to read your experiences!

PS: To be continued in a another post. Stay tuned to know the second part with the Mental Health Practices I do now, the ones I started recently and the ones I’d like to add to my routine.

See you all next time! <3

© María M. Mayorga